Didn’t really plan to post this. But I guess I have to. Considering people are asking questions about what I’m gonna do.

Back a few posts ago, I mentioned that ‘I am beginning my journey’. That, is both a figure of speech, as well as a reality.

I’m beginning my journey of faith (some alone time with God). And I’m also beginning a series of lone trips to the places I’ve never been before. Okay, not totally alone as in some places I may meet friends. But most of the time it will just be me.

Back to basic. Me on the road. Nothing luxurious.

I long to be where it’s only me and God. And the world is but just a backdrop. When the noise of the world is unheard of and all I can hear is His voice.

The destinations are being thrown at me just like that. And I think they are just perfect. I’ll be on the mountain in Dehradun, in the state of Uttarakhand. A city on the foot of the Himalayas, on the India side. I’ll be on the open roads between cities in the US. Colorado to Seattle, Washington. Along the Rocky Mountain. And I’ll head to one of the country in the Middle East as well. Okay, make that two, if the timing is right and I don’t have visa problem.

So there. I’ve finally said it. But I guess I have to say this again…

Till we meet again someday. I’m gonna miss you.

I am not good at saying goodbye. I was never able to bring myself to say all the things I wanted to say in front of you. And so I’m doing it now in writing.

Thanks for being a great friend to me. Take care, pals. It’s been great hanging out with all of you. All the lovely people… I love you all. And this is not just lip service. Because I really do love you all. I will remember you in my prayers. Wherever I am.

I am closing this chapter of my life. And this blog, too.

Goodbye. And I truly hope I will see you all again someday.

I am really thankful for the team I have now.

In my handling of India, I have 5 people that I consider as my core team. The inner circle. My right hand men and woman. They’re there because of their level, actually. But more than that, I need them as my eyes and ears on what’s going on in India.

This time turns out to be a hard time for our team. One is having Bell’s palsy relapse. Half of his face is paralyzed and he couldn’t work for a long time. The other one is having his father-in-law diagnosed with cancer. And he has to be the one to take care of the situation.

So when I shared with them of my personal situation, that makes it 3 of us who need to step back for a little while. But what I really appreciate is that the remaining 3 members are stepping up to handle the situation. I appreciate their commitment to get our India team moving with our vision. We’re talking about a young 21-people team here in India. They constantly need guidance and direction.

It’s not everyday that you can have people like this working for you. In other companies, you will find people who tried to backstab you, overtake you, etc. Especially when you need to step back for one or other reasons.

But not my team. Everywhere I turn to, people offer help and support. I can not thank you enough.

In times like this I am grateful that God has put me where I am right now.

Right now there are a few things that are clear to me.

Will I start dating again?

No, I don’t think my heart is ready for that. And besides, I have come to the point where I do not see much use in trying by myself. By my own strengths. The next time it happens, it will be for the right reason. That, I believe.

Now that I have patched things up with Jo, will I get back together again with her?

No, I don’t think that is possible. For a very clear reason that both of us know…

What will I do now?

I have to thank God for letting everything happened in my life. He really knows me well :). He knows what will drive me to do certain things. Now I can see really clearly why things have to happen the way they did.

And more importantly, I know exactly where I’m heading now. It will be a long journey of faith, but I am working on my future and nothing can stop me now! 

I met Jo again today. After almost a year. She left my place on May 6, 2007 and I haven’t seen her ever since. Until today.

It amazes me how far she has become now. She said she suffered for months after we were apart. In her own words, she saw no tomorrow. It made her feel that she had nothing left but herself flat on the ground. Her whole world was destroyed. She cried morning and night, day after day, week after week…

But God’s grace helped her to rise again. If I see her now, I think I was not wrong when I used to say that she is really going to be a good wife and mother. Because more than that, she is a woman of God. She is the epitome of the woman of Proverbs 31:30

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

Jo, I think I’m going to be proud to one day stand in your wedding. As I used to promise you. Being the crybaby that I am, I think I’m going to cry. Definitely. But those will be tears of joy. I will be so happy for you.

And thanks for praying for me all this while. Thanks for not giving up on me.

I am here now.

I promised God that if I ever shared His words to me, I will also share this other experience which I have long kept at the back of my mind.

More than five years ago, still feeling battered from my previous relationship, I approached a counsellor at my church. Her name is Ci Ruth (ci is how we call an older Chinese Indonesian woman, it’s derived from the words jiejie). 

After a few months, I became really close to her. She became like an older sister to me. I also became really close to her close friend who stayed in Surabaya, Indonesia – Ci Arista. They helped me to pray. They helped me to strengthen myself. With God’s grace.

At that time, Jo was staying at Ci Ruth’s place. She was attending the same church as Ci Ruth and Ci Ruth suggested that Jo brought me to the young adults service. And so she did.

Soon enough, the four of us became really close. It was really a beautiful friendship, the four of us. And Ci Ruth’s place became a place of escape for me. I simply didn’t want to come home and see my ex with her new boyfriend after boyfriend. So I began staying the nights there at Ci Ruth’s place, or to be exact in Jo’s room most of the time. Ci Ruth was more than happy to welcome me. And I enjoyed very much the Indonesian home cooked food that she made for us. I was blissful.

But as I let my guard down, I didn’t realize that I grew a certain feeling towards Jo. And somehow, she felt the same for me, too. Out of all those nights we spent talking to each other, we grew very, very close. We understood each other very well. That was the first time I ever felt like I have a soulmate. It was to that level of closeness. Frankly, I never felt like that with anybody else, ever.

At that time, I have promised a friend (Mom, my PRC friend) that I would drive to Ipoh to visit her. It would be just her and me. Going to Penang and enjoying ourselves. But somehow, I didn’t want to leave Jo behind. I asked her to come with me to Ipoh and Penang. I thought, it would be nice to have a companion to drive all the long way to Ipoh, rather than just me myself. And expectedly, she jumped on the offer.

The drive to Ipoh was fun. Before we continued to Penang, we stayed one night at Mom’s place. A townhouse inside Meru Valley golf course. Very beautiful view. I shared the room with Jo, while Mom stayed at her own room.

That night, however, proved to be unbearable to both of us. There was so much fire between us, that even when I tried hard not to do anything, I couldn’t. I finally gave in. And it continued night after night when we were in Penang.

We were silent on the way back to Singapore. We didn’t know how to face Ci Ruth. And also Ci Arista. But more importantly, we didn’t know how to face God.

However, we didn’t have to say anything. They already knew. Before we even said a word, Ci Ruth asked us to sit down and said, “Tell me, what happened in Malaysia…” She said it in a tone of voice such that we couldn’t miss what she really meant.

And we broke down in tears.

Unbeknownst to us, that night when we were in Ipoh, Ci Ruth had a vision from God. She saw an old dragon fiercely chasing Jo and I, trying to devour us. And when she tried to intervene, the old dragon turned back to her with a vicious and wicked smile, trying to make her go away. She woke up in sweat and immediately she got up and prayed for us, asking for God’s protection. 

(For those of you who don’t know, in the bible, dragon and serpent are often used to represent the devil.)

The next morning, Ci Arista called her from Indonesia. It turned out that Ci Arista had the same revelation in her night prayer. They prayed together to ask for God’s protection for both of us. For they knew, something, a devilish plan, must have happened in Malaysia.

(Ci Arista is especially very sensitive to God’s voice. During those nights of confrontation with Ms. PF I often shouted to God for help. And a couple of times, Ci Arista would be looking for me the next day. She did that everytime God reminded her of me. She even tried to contact me at the end of March, days before we ended the relationship. It was like God is keeping an eye on me…)

To keep the rest of the story short, Ci Ruth asked me not to come near Jo again. But she and Ci Arista were still there for me. Prayed for me. And counselled me to go through each day. It was Jo’s persistence that finally led her to stay with me for the next 4 years. Despite Ci Ruth’s advice, she kept coming to my place until finally she packed up everything and moved in with me.

But the lingering question in my mind is this: if what we did those nights in Malaysia are not against God’s will, why had He sent those visions and revelations to Ci Ruth and Ci Arista?

Is the conclusion so clear but I just refused to see the truth? And have been blinded ever since?

I know this story is not easy to read. It probably caused some uneasiness with some of you. But I just can not keep it any longer. Now as I have shared it, I hope it will shed some light for me and for those of you who happened to read this…

I’ve patched things up with Jo. And I’m glad I did it. For it opens up a new path for me. For my life.

I never realized how much damage I have done. Put her under months of suffering. But all is well now. She has forgiven me and she is completely free.

And I am beginning my journey now.

I don’t know how to describe how I felt when I heard that news.

The whole night and morning I didn’t cry a single tear. My eyes were not even wet. My heart was not hurting at all. And I was able to calmly pray.

The only thing that was not cooperating was my body. The chemical reaction inside has caused something like heartburn. Too much acid in my stomach. And it only died down after I prayed to God to take control of all of me. Not just my mind, my heart, my soul, but also my body.

I actually can feel the peace. The unexplainable peace inside. Though actually, I kinda prefer being able to cry as well. Cos I think by crying it will release the things held up inside, though I don’t know what it is. I think, to some extent, crying will make me feel more of a human being. So the whole afternoon I was looking for a reason to cry…

I called up a friend and told her the story. She was quite amazed that I can take things graciously. But I still didn’t cry.

So I approached Patty, a good friend in the office. There I was able to cry. And smile again. We actually cried together. Patty is in pain from her parents’ divorce. After more than 20 years of marriage. I was able to cry as she was sharing her pain inside.

And I was able to cry also when I called up Ms. PF’s mom. I really felt touched when she said she misses me. That she thinks of me as her child too. And she would want to be there in my graduation as my parents most likely won’t be able to make it. I thanked her and I told her, no matter what, I don’t want to lose this relationship that I have with her and her family. She was trying hard to explain that she cares for me, but she said, she just didn’t know how to explain well with words.

It’s okay, Auntie. I understand. You don’t need words to show it. I have seen it with my eyes.

And I thank you.

I wish I could comment something. Anything.

Maybe someday.

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